be still

It's hard to start a post after being away for a while. Hard because I feel like so much has happened since I last wrote. Lessons learned. Memories made. Old friendships. New friendships. Camp (which carries so much in just one little word). The start of a new school year. Challenge. Encouragement. Growth.

But the one thing that has remained constant, unshakeable, and steadfast these past few months, is my sweet Savior. Who bore my burdens along side of me. Who taught me so much this summer; I still haven't even processed it all. Who is still working on my stubborn, broken heart. Who blessed me with incredible new and precious friendships. And strengthened old ones. Who broke, transformed, and renewed me at a place that I call my second home. Who patiently lead me along as I transitioned into a new school year, fighting tooth and nail the whole time. Who has showered me with love and grace as I have tried to run, tried to control, and tried to fix. Who has wrapped His arms around me, and whispered His promises and truth over me continually. 

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine."- Isaiah 43:1

We are His. He should be our everything. The author and perfecter of the universe has called us by name. In Him we have life, we have forgiveness, we have freedom. Those are my Father's promises. That is His truth.

From the moment I returned from camp, I fought against the Lord and His will for sending me back. Camp is not real life. And I know that. I thought I was prepared and ready to go back to school after spending five weeks being filled up and poured out. But as soon as I did, I stopped listening to the Lord. Stopped relying on Him. Satan's lies and worldly desires took over. All I wanted to do was run. I struggled to figure out my purpose in being back. School seemed pointless. Life at A&M was different. And I tried to find meaning behind everything. I prayed daily that the Lord would reveal to me His purpose. That He would send me somewhere, any where from what seemed like trivial life to me now.

And then, the Lord reached out. All my fears, worries, wishes, and struggles came to a screeching halt. He reminded me that I need to "Be still and know that [he is] God" (Psalm 46:10). To rest in His presence. And to be thankful for what He has given me at this moment. 

I am blessed to be able to go to A&M. Blessed with amazing friends that the Lord has placed in my life. I have realized that I need to seek the Lord and not His purpose. To find Him in the big and in the small. To praise Him for who He is, and what He has done and has yet to do in my life. To stop fighting. And to let Him have all the glory, honor, and praise.

"For you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."- Psalm 63:7-8


P.S- Sorry if this is just me rambling. I was trying to get so many thoughts out at once and it probably doesn't make much sense. But, hey, that's the reason behind this blog in the first place. :)

with reckless abandon

Most of the time, I think I can live life on my own. That I can have all the control, and that every expectation and goal that I set will be met. I become disconnected from the Lord- distant because my stubborn, weak heart listens to lies from the world that I don't need him. That my faith and my life can somehow be separate. And so, I turn away from His outstretched hands and into the comfort of my flesh.

Yet in the quiet, He is there. Never letting up, constantly pursuing. Hands always outstretched. Patiently waiting, continually tugging on my heart.

Finally, when I am weary of the world and tired of trying to live out the selfish desires of my heart, I take His hands. And He ushers me into His perfect love and unending grace. Teaches me that I was designed to be dependent on Him, and that through that dependence comes the sweetest of surrenders. Breaks down my pride, my selfishness, my idleness, and my self-suffienciency. Shows me what true joy found only in Him is like, and the peace and contentment that stems from that joy. He takes my weaknesses and reveals the beauty in them. Most importantly, He loves me; with such an unconditional, deep, passionate, constant, reckless love. A love that never fails.

It amazes me how often I repeat the above cycle. How often I run from the Lord and then turn back to Him, only to run away again when I let my selfish, worldly desires take root deep in my heart. The Lord forgives and loves me every single second of every single day. That is incomprehensible to me. And something that I can never be thankful enough for.

In the darkness of control and comfortability, He shines bright. And I am reminded that there is no greater joy than wholeheartedly following the Lord. Than falling face down on the floor, surrendering to His will for my life. My fears and my worries are nothing compared to His surpassing peace and strength.

Thank you Lord for calling me out of the darkness of this world, with hands outstretched. Thank you for humbling, abounding grace and mercy. Thank you for precious reminders of Your faithfulness. Thank you for those simple conversations that lead me back to You. Thank you for a love that is unending. 


Lord, help me live with reckless abandon. That I let everything go in order to know you more. Teach me the joy that comes from following you. Give me a heart that is consumed by you and not by this world.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you."- Jeremiah 31:3


"In our abandonment we give ourselves over to God just as God gave Himself for us, without any calculation. The consequences of abandonment never enter into our outlook because our life is taken up with Him."- Oswald Chambers

camp

Jumping. Cheering. Sweet fellowship. Crazy names. Fun activities. More jumping. Constant, yet wonderful heat. Beautiful, redemptive stories. Laughter. Praising and worshiping the Lord.....These are the things that come to mind when someone mentions the word camp. It brings a smile to my face and joy in my heart whenever I reflect on the summers I was allowed to spend at Pine Cove. 10 summers to be exact.

From the time I was 7 until I was 17, I went to Pine Cove every summer. It was the place where I became a believer. The place where I learned so much about my Savior and grew in my walk with Him. The Lord used my time there to develop a desire for Him, to teach me that I was in desperate need of Him, and to show me what true fellowship looked like. I was extremely blessed to be given the opportunity to go to a camp that strives to proclaim the name of Jesus and follow His lead.

Ever since I first starting going to Pine Cove, I dreamed about being a counselor there. It was (and is) such a special place to me, and I wanted to be apart of it for as long as possible. And let's face it, who doesn't want a crazy, fun camp name to become your new alter ego? However, instead of being chosen to be a Baby Ruth (a discipleship program at Pine Cove for girls about to enter college) last summer, the Lord had other plans. I was given the incredible opportunity to go to Hong Kong (more on that experience in a different post); a place that captured my heart and lead me down a path that didn't include going to camp during the summer for the first time since I was 7. Talk about change.

And so, I thought I was done with Pine Cove. Not done in the sense that "I wanted nothing to do with the place, and never go back again" (that will never be the case). I just believed that Lord was calling me somewhere else in order to proclaim His name and apply what I had learned at camp all those years. I honestly loved my time away from camp last summer. I missed it for sure, but I learned that there is life outside of Pine Cove, and that the Lord is working all over the world. I grew so much in my faith last summer, and my desire to follow His will and rely on Him increased tremendously.

When it came time to start applying and interviewing for Pine Cove last fall, I really struggled with what the Lord wanted me to do this summer. I felt my heart being tugged in two different directions; one towards going back to Hong Kong and the other one towards working at camp. I decided to go ahead and apply to Pine Cove, trusting and praying that the Lord would open doors that needed to be opened and close doors that needed to be closed. And late one night towards the end of the semester, He did just that.

I was studying in the library for a huge test that I had the next day when I got a text from my older sister (who is on leadership at Pine Cove Towers this summer), asking if I had received any phone calls or voicemails that night. I immediately checked my inbox and refreshed my phone about 50 times, just in case it was doing something funky. Nothing. I tried to go back to studying, but honestly, there was no way I could focus anymore. So, I sat and stared at the blank screen for about 5 minutes until it lit up with a text from the girl who had interviewed me, asking if I could call her back when I got a chance. Without any hesitation, I sprinted down 3 flights of stairs and outside, shaking as I called her back. Two minutes later, I was offered a job as a counselor at Pine Cove Towers, the 2nd to 5th grade camp. Tears streaming down my face (probably alarming the studious people going and coming from the library...oops), I accepted. The Lord had answered my prayers and I have no doubt that He wants me at Pine Cove this summer. Boy, is He faithful and His timing perfect.

In just 9 days, I will be headed to Pine Cove for 2 weeks for orientation. Towers holds a special place in my heart out of all of the camps at Pine Cove (but, I absolutely love every one of them). It is where I became a believer. The fact that I get to go back and work with little kids, leading them to their one true Savior and Creator, fills me with excitement and definitely humbles me. This summer will be challenging, exhausting, rewarding, humbling, and exhilarating. I am so very eager to see what the Lord is going to teach me and how He is going to further His kingdom.

My hope and prayer is that I will not treat being a counselor as just another job or a check it off on the list of "things a Christian is supposed to do". I want to be used by Him to transform the hearts of others. I want Him to be glorified above every name. I want to love on and serve the campers (and staff) that I come in contact with. I want to come away from camp at the end of the summer a different person; not because I did anything to change my heart, but because I let Him do everything.

"Yet, Oh Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8


"And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men...; for you serve the Lord Christ." Colossians 3:23-24

warning: cheesy post ahead

In exactly a week from tomorrow, I will be done with my freshman year of college. Talk about bittersweet. It's hard to start a post to sum up a year that has been so incredible, challenging, encouraging, and most importantly, has taught me that the Lord is faithful above all things.

I still remember showing up at A&M last August to move into my dorm room. I still remember the excitement and butterflies I felt as I started the transition from the place where I had spent my whole life, to a totally brand new one. I had so many expectations and goals for my first year; most of which didn't play out the way I wanted them to. But, the Lord is faithful and His plan is far greater and more beautiful than I could ever hope.

One of the biggest prayers I had going into college was for solid friendships. I fervently prayed that the Lord would place people in my life who loved the Lord and would encourage me in my walk with Him. He far exceeded my expectations. I have been blessed with INCREDIBLE friends this year. They not only encourage me in my walk with the Lord, but they challenge me, laugh with me, hold me accountable, and love me despite all of my faults. Whether it was asking how my day went, sending encouraging texts when I was stressed about school, going on endless Sonic Happy Hour runs, road trips late at night, hanging around talking about random things, late night deep convos about how awesome the Lord is, hammocking sessions, or dance parties on the side of the road, they have taught me what it truly means to serve and love others. It overwhelms me how faithful the Lord is. I am so very thankful for my friends; time with them just makes my heart happy (sorry for being so cheesy haha). 

This summer is going to be different than any other one I have experienced before. My very best friends will be spread out all over the place. I won't see most of them for 3 months. It is going to be weird not being able to just head over to their rooms when I am bored, upset, or just looking for someone to talk to. But, it makes it so much sweeter knowing that I have the next 3 years with them ( and hopefully the rest of my life). That I will be living with a lot of them in the house next year. And that the others will be close by. 

I literally cannot wait to see what the Lord has in store for my friendships these next few years. Looking back over the course of the year just makes me so excited to see my old friendships solidify and grow, and to see the new ones that might form. 

He. Is. Faithful. 

All the time.

P.S- Trailblazing for camp is in 18 DAYS!! More to come on that in another post.

Over and out. 

stir in me a desire

This past semester I have been studying the life of David. A man who earnestly and fervently sought the Lord; a man after God's own heart. The way he saw the beauty, power, and majesty of the Lord is very humbling. David had a passion for God that spilled out into everything that he did and said. He was a broken human being who had many, many faults (just like the rest of us), but yet the Lord chose to use him. He stirred a desire in David to pursue Him intimately. A desire that transformed the way David lived. No matter what he did, David always turned back to the Lord and submitted himself to Him.

Recently, I have been praying for a desire to know the Lord more intimately. For a passion to seek Him out every day and to grow in my relationship with Him. I want to view God the way David did. I want to be completely overwhelmed and humbled by His presence. I prayerfully want the Lord to consume me and stir in me a desire to pursue Him wholeheartedly.

How different my life would be if I lived in total, complete awareness of the Lord. If He filled all of my thoughts and I lived a life of excitement and joy because of that? The Lord IS IN everything; He IS everything. I need to be reminded of that constantly. When we can come to terms with just how incredible, how beautiful the Lord is, we won't be able to stand not being in His presence.

I have also started to realize that even when walking step by step with the Lord, I am going to mess up. I'm human after all. I am a perfectionist so for a long time I would never ask for the Lord's forgiveness because that meant I failed at something. Thankfully, the Lord has taught me that I am by no means perfect and I never will be.... Broken and sinful, yet made in the image of God; that is who I am. And getting to ask for the Lord's forgiveness is a humbling thing. It reminds me that I am a sinner, saved by the Lord's unending grace. 

Lord, give me a desire to seek your face each and every day. Stir in me a passion for Your precious, holy name; an excitement that fills me with joy because I am in your presence. Transform my heart.

"Let us know, let us press on to know the Lord; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth."- Hosea 6:3

"Oh God, your are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in dry and weary land where there is no water.....So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands." Psalm 63:1, 4

P.S- Can we just talk about how yesterday was Sonic Happy Hour ALL DAY LONG. Definitely went more than once. Not ashamed at all. 

before the throne

Have you ever just sat still and listened to the lyrics of a song? Let them sink in and penetrate your heart? Today in church we sang the song, "Before the Throne"; one of my all time favorite worship songs. What a powerful song that holds so much depth and meaning. One stanza (I think that's what it's called) of the song says, 

When Satan tempts me to despair, 
And tells me of the guilt within, 
Upward I look, and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.

What a wonderful picture of how we should live our lives. When we are tempted, overwhelmed with the burden of sin, where else would/should we look than to Christ. We can't live without Him. Life is just too hard, and we can so easily become tangled up in the mess that sin can create.I have found that when I turn to the Lord for help during a difficult period, my burdens are lighter compared to when I try to do life on my own. When I try to be in control. 

It truly is humbling to realize how much God loves us, and how He NEVER leaves us. Even when we chose not to turn to Him when we are in desperate need of His strength and peace. The Lord is always there; I prayerfully need to remember to let go of the world and grab onto His waiting hands. To cling to Him, and look up to Him when I am struggling. 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."- Isaiah 41:10

 "God is our refuge, our strength, a very present help in trouble."- Psalm 46:1

pride

Pride. Something that will create a wall between you and the Lord that is so thick and tall, it's nearly impossible to tear down without His help. And for a long time, I didn't want Him to. I was comfortable living a life that was deeply rooted in pride and selfishness. I still am.

But, the Lord clearly calls us to live a life that is uncomfortable. Because following Him is not normal in the world we live in today. Until we truly grasp the concept of the cross, lay our burdens down, and submit to His will, the Lord has to fight against our comfortability, against the pride and selfishness that takes root in our hearts and hardens it towards His perfect plan.

Last semester, I slowly let the Lord break down the wall of pride and selfishness I had built around myself. I was in constant prayer that He would humble and break me so that He would be glorified in my weakness.

He did.
Literally.

4 and half months ago I broke my leg and had to have surgery to place a rod in it so it would heal properly. Never have I been so broken (excuse the overuse of this word). And never have I been so frustrated with the Lord and his will. I couldn't rely on myself anymore. I couldn't be prideful and not ask for help. I couldn't be in control (and I love to be in control). I couldn't be comfortable.

Over the past couple of months, I have learned what total dependence on the Lord looks like. I have learned that everyday I have to wake up and submit myself to His will (which I definitely don't always do). I have learned that only He has the power to rid me of my pride, my selfishness, and my desire to be comfortable. I have learned the beauty that is in weakness. And I need to be reminded of all of these things daily. Hourly even.


"You have said, 'Seek my face.' My heart says to you, 'Your face, Lord, do I seek.'" Psalm 27:8

in case you were wondering....

I am a follower of Jesus Christ. The fact that He died a horrific death on the cross for a sinful, broken person like myself is mind blowing to me. Overwhelming actually. Only the Lord has the power to save us. To wash us clean. His love never fails. My prayer and desire is to seek His face each and every day. To find Him in everything. To live the life He has called me to, and to follow His will above my own.

I have been blessed with an incredible family. I have two sisters, Caroline and Maggie. I consider them some of my best friends, and love getting to do life with them. They are constantly teaching me just by living out their own lives. I could really go on and on about how thankful I am that the Lord put them in my life. My Mom and Dad are the greatest parents I could ask for. They are encouraging, loving, insightful, diligent, purposeful, and kind-hearted. I was blessed to grow up in a Christian household, and have learned so much from my parents. I'm still learning.

The Parentals!

Seesters!

My friends are seriously the greatest. But really. Throughout my life, the Lord has placed friends in my path that have encouraged, challenged, and helped me grow as a person. Quality time is one of my love languages (if you don't know what that means, check out The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman), and He has given me lots of opportunities to invest in friendships. Whether it's coffee/lunch dates, trips to Sonic (if you ever wonder where I am between 2 and 4, I am probably at Sonic), late night chats, bible study, random road trips, or long phone convos (shout out to my bestie, Allison Whitmeyer), I love getting to be with my friends. The Lord has taught me immensely through my friendships about loving and serving others.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

tune my heart

Well, I never thought I would actually start blogging. One of my secret obsessions is reading blogs. For some reason I love learning about other people's lives. Maybe it's the fact that I never seem to be content with what is going on in my own life (something that I am prayerfully trying to change). Or maybe it's because I love people. I love stories. My heart is full when I get to spend time with others. I believe the Lord has given me a heart to love others, a heart to listen as cheesy as that sounds. My hope and prayer for this blog is that it becomes a tool that I can use to organize my thoughts. To give thanks to the Lord. To explore and learn more about Him. To make sense of the crazy life that I am currently living at Texas A&M. Who knows where it will take me, and what it will become. But that's the beauty of life. The Lord is in control and I am not.

Plain and simple.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11